


Hobbits Didn't Give In To Bathroom Companies

by stardust_moonbeams



Series: Explorations In Gender [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, BAMF Hobbits, Dwarf Culture & Customs, Dwarf Gender Concepts, Enby Bilbo Baggins, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Hobbit Culture & Customs, Non-Binary Bilbo Baggins, Non-binary character, Not Beta Read, We Die Like Men, enby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:21:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27660100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardust_moonbeams/pseuds/stardust_moonbeams
Summary: "Bathroom companies. I blame bathroom companies."----Based on the idea that every other race has gender specific names (ellon/elleth, dwarrow/dwarrowdam, man/woman) but hobbits just have hobbit.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins & Dwarves
Series: Explorations In Gender [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1926727
Comments: 3
Kudos: 125





	Hobbits Didn't Give In To Bathroom Companies

It was tucked away in Beorn's home, once Bilbo became more used to the new acceptance of his dwarven companions, did Bilbo finally gain the courage to ask the question that had been nagging at them.

"Why do you call me Mister?" Bilbo's unexpected question left the group bemused for a moment.

"Well, what do ya mean, laddie?" Balin inquired, his wisened eyes calculatingly dart across Bilbo's face. 

"Well, why Mister?" Bilbo's eyes dart around the 13 faces staring in confusion. "You see, I've never been called Mister before?" At their blank stares Bilbo continues, "It's not a term used in the Shire. I've heard men use it though!"

"But we heard you get called Mister Baggins in the Shire!" Kíli protested.

Fíli nodded and added on: "And that's what Gandalf called you!"

The dwarrow began calling and shouting loudly, rumbling a raucous grumble.

"Well," Bilbo began. When the noise was not soothed Bilbo raised their voice, "Well!" Bilbo repeated, gaining their attention, "Well, you also thought my name was Boggins so," Bilbo gives a small shrug, "What you would've heard was: Master Baggins, as I am the Master of Bag End."

"Um, Bilbo," Ori tentatively calls, journal and quill set and ready in his gloved hands, "What's the difference?" The other dwarrow nod along in agreement, pipes puffing and beards wagging.

"Well," Bilbo takes a breath of their own pipe, "Mister is, well I'm sure you'd know that better than I," There came a self deprecating shrug, "and Master is, well Master can mean many things, but mostly, I suppose, one would define it as a person who is a master at a certain skill or trade. For example, my gardener Holman is a master gardener and greenhand, hence he is Master Gamgee."

"But, if you don't use Mister, what do you call someone who isn't a master of their craft?" Gloin grumbled out, bushy eyebrows drawn together.

"Their name?" Bilbo was honestly so confused as to why the dwarrow were trying to overcomplicate everything.

"What do you call female Masters?" Bofur twisted his moustache as he talked.

Bilbo startled, "What?"

"What?"

"What?"

Bofur and Bilbo stared at each other in confusion.

"The lasses, laddie, what do ya call them?" Dwalin prompted.

"I-" Bilbo sighed, "Don't understand."

Hearty chuckles came from a tall grey clad figure, wisps of smoke dancing around his person. "Bilbo, my dear, dwarves are similar to men and elves in this respect."

Bilbo huffed a frown, "Bathroom companies, I blame bathroom companies." They muttered.

"Blame bathroom companies for wha'?" Nori squinted.

"You big folk and your stupid gender nonsense." Bilbo huffed again, "A scam, a sham." They took a calming puff of pipeweed. "Hobbits don't aspire to such nonsense. A person is a person, separating them by Hes and Shes makes no sense to us."

"You don't mean-"

"Have we-?"

"Oh, Bilbo-"

"Shit!"

Bilbo winced at the cacophony, ears focusing on Bifur's angry sounding grumbles.

"Quiet!" Thorin called, eyes searing into Bilbo. A static hush fell. "Master Baggins- Bilbo, we haven't- Have we," Thorin took a breath, "Have we been misgendering you?"

Bilbo coughed, spluttering on the smoke of their pipe. No big folk have ever seemed to understand, let alone care. "Well I- that is to say, hobbits don't have genders, we simply are," They shrug, "We are hobbits."

An uproar began again, calls of dishonour and shame floated about, for while hobbits tend to not understand the need for gender at all, dwarrow encompass it. For dwarven society was built on the foundation of the knowledge that while Mahal  _ always  _ created their souls correctly, sometimes bodies were mixed up in Mahal's Great Forge. By dwarven law's and traditions it was the utmost dishonour and disrespect to misgender another, it was to go against Mahal's design.

"Bilbo," Normally happy Bofur sounded broken and pained, "What are your pronouns?"

"They/them." Bilbo nods, "And yours are all he? Yes?" 

"Aye, that they are." Balin nods. "We are all terribly sorry for calling ye wrong, lex."

Affirmations rang through the air.

"Lex?" Bilbo repeated, having never heard the term before.

"It's what we dwarrow use as a non-gendered version of lad or lass." Dori explained primly. 

"Lex," Bilbo repeated again, letting the word roll over their tongue. "Hm, yes, I like that." They decided with a prompt nod.

For the next while the dwarrow and hobbit discuss the nuances of dwarven and hobbitish societies. 

"So hobbits have never labelled any genders?" Ori checked, runes quickly being scribbled in his notebook.

"No, no. A hobbit is a hobbit, unless they specifically request a mannish gender" Bilbo explained.

"Does that happen often?" Fíli asked.

"Hmm, not often, some who venture out the Shire feel closer to them, some Bree hobbits do. Mannish genders are explained in our educations, awareness is important, but it's rare for hobbits to feel inclined to one." Bilbo hummed, "Of course those who are are accepted. Yavanna makes no mistakes after all." 

At that the gathered dwarrow agreed, for their maker's wife was truly amazing. 

"Master Baggins," Thorin drew their attention, "What are you master of?"

"Well, I told you, didn't I? I'm the Master of Bag End." They were positive they'd mentioned it.

"But what does that mean?" Bombur asked shyly.

"It meant I was incharge of my area of the Shire, I collected the rent, had to have room and supplies for if the Shire was attacked and people need shelter, and the like." Bilbo explained.

"But, that would make you a lord!" Fíli protested.

Bilbo scoffed, "I'm no such thing!"

"But-" 

Bilbo glared the dwarrow into silence. A Lord! Honestly! Big folk and their overcomplations. They scoffed at the thought.

"Oi Gandalf!" Nori called from where he and Bofur had been whispering. "What are your pronouns?" The broke the heavy silence.

Gandalf puffed on his pipe, "Most call me he, though I have no preference, all or any shall do." He nodded, puffing out smoke that floated along, suspiciously looking like the company.

The smoke danced around the room capturing many gazes and thoughts, the room grew quiet, and finally, finally Bilbo felt to be themself again, no more 'he' nonsense was aimed towards him. All was well.

  
  



End file.
